About Abyssinian Cats: .:a birth story:.

Ok, so I'm a mother... even better, I'm a "mamma"... It's been a long journey, guess it is always so... And I usually avoid talking about how it all began... Why? Because it was scary, maybe the scariest thing ever in life... And in case you are wondering, I used to live in Rio, so yes, I've been threatened at gunpoint, I've been trapped inside a bus in the middle of a shooting, and the wonders of Italy have taught me what feels like when an earthquake shows itself... So, I guess scary means something, right?

I can say I was pretty lucky all through the pregnancy, no problems with blood pressure, no sickness in the morning, no excessive leg swelling, all in all I got to enjoy it and have fun... Labour didn't scare me, but the idea of coming short of what I needed to become to be a good mum had me panicking... There was the nagging question: am I up to the task?

I had 9 months to prepare but they didn't seem enough... When the time came I was eager, happy as a child on christmas eve... I just couldn't wait to see her pretty face and meet the little bugger who trained boxing with my organs... Contractions started early in the morning, about 3 or so... I kept track of them, and enjoyed the moment, just me before meeting her, no use having the hubby all jumpy when things usually take a while to kick in...

When he woke up I told him to prepare the coffee while I treated myself to a hot shower (for all my girlfriends who are thinking about having babies, hot showers/bath are a great way to know if it is a false alarm... If it is not time yet contractions subdue and pass, if it is the time they will itensify... Might be useful)... We talked over breakfast, my due date was already almost a week behind... When the topic came up I was suave enough to say: "hey, you might want to load the bag in the car, you know?" "Why?" "Because I entered into labour last night. *twink, twink..." Yeah, the pain was not that huge, nothing women don't experience like every month... So it wasn't enough to kill my good humour...

It had started snowing sometime at night, the first snow of the winter... (In case you don't remember I hate snow! Streets are slippery and dangerous... So we set off to the hospital... When in the car I called only one person, the one that mattered to me at the moment... I talked some, just enough for her to know what was going on... We arrived at the hospital and stopped to get some pizza before checkng in, and wonder of wonders I discovered I couldn't eat it for the life of me... So we decided to check in...

I got all the sensors set up and was told to relax and wait, there was time... Congratctions kept progressing, and we kept waitng... Until sth was not right... Instead of getting closer together they started getting further apart... The heart rates were all over the place, worst of all, her rates, not mine... That is when hubby called the nurse, she entered the room took a look at the monitor and shot out of the room... Seconds later she was back with two others... Then another one was beeped to come to the room...

Yeah, about there I really started panicking... They were testing the sensor and couldn't find a heartbeat... The next step would be to break the waters, I asked if it was necessary and why they wanted to do it (yep, I had wanted a birth as natural as it could go for my baby, thank you very much)... They said it was the easiest way to find out if the baby was suffering, they had lost her heartbeat... (Cue the water works)

From that moment on I was in complete hysterics... Yep, I wouldn't stop crying and trembling all over... I was in the surgery less than 2 minutes later, hubby watching me being wheeled by with a face as white as mine I guess... While they were giving me the peri the only thing I could think about was "what are they waiting for? Cut, open, get her out of there!!!" I'm pretty certain I lost about 10 years of my life on those wrecked 5 minutes, because that's how long it took for them to cut and get her out... I didn't get to see her... They were already stappling the cut and she was nowhere to be seen...

I had no idea what was happening, until a good soul answered my desperate pleas of how the baby was doing, and explained the whole of the affair... She was being dressed(it was minus 4) outside and the surgery was already over... That is when I saw her... A few seconds only, she was in the arms of the same nurse who decided to calm me down... I couldn't hold, not even touch her, I felt broken... I was wheeled back to the room without her... Hubby was waiting, he had been watching her through the window in the nursery, I wanted to go to her, damned c-section, couln't feel my legs, least of all walk to her...

It wasn't until two hours later, when our friend made it to the hospital that she handed me my daughter, and everything was new... That roller coaster of emotions had taught me what all the pregnancy hadn't... that I would go to any lengths to protect this new being from harm... that is the truth of it...

and in the end, to be a good mother I didn't need to be perfect, I just needed to be enough... patient enough to show her that sometimes things are not what you expected them to be nor when you expected them but you act graciously anyway... brave enough to overcome my own fears in order to allow her to choose her own weaknesses... persistent enough to stick to the values I believe in and want her to know and live by... lighthearted enough to marvel at the opportunity to see the world anew, reborn through her eyes... and eventually, be strong enough to let her go...

because when I became a mother I cast off a huge part of me to never get back, but I did it to get something else... something bigger and more powerful...