.:the one with the dream:.

Today I take the liberty of posting something for me... so that I can make my heart a little bit lighter, and so that I can remember things that are important... the ones that really matter...

last night was a strange night, a night with a dream that got me thinking, and upset with the conclusion I reached after doing so... having the pea sleep a little faster than usual I had a slightly longer quiet time, one that was enough to trigger a dream, about my mother...

I think of her often, I miss her everyday, some a little more than others, today more than most... it was a simple dream, one simple enough, a chat, bonding, exchange of opinions, love, and care... it was long, and yet, not long enough... I could feel the dream slipping away, willing as I was to keep it going a little more, just a fraction of time... you know the feeling, keeping your eyes purposefully shut, fighting the oncoming awareness that the waking hours bring, wishing to keep hold of your dream because you know that when you open your eyes it will be as far from reality as anything could ever be...

my mother is a special person, always has been, always will be... biased! I'm her daughter, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm positive she is the best person I will ever be able to meet through my entire life... she is like the go to mother figure for all those who got to know her... loving, affectionate, serious, but kind... and selfless, I guess this is the most important trait to describe her personality...

there is a lot about her I want to keep safe in my memory... there was a scent about her, whatever she touched or cared about held that scent... it was one of my favourite things when returning home from a trip... just a hint of this perfume and I would feel home, safe, loved, invincible... it meant she was there, if I ever needed, I could find her... and then there was the voice... sweet, calm, like no other... she could infer respect without raising her tone, and oh my, could she make her point and have you cowering before your wrongdoings with only a small little word above more than a whisper... she held that power, she was the heart and soul of the family... it was her who could make everyone listen, and understand, and be a wee more tolerant, just because she was like this effortless... you couldn't help it being near her...

sometimes it was nice just to joke around her, because she was too serious for her own good... I like to think I used to make her problems a bit smaller by making her smile, and laugh... the sound had the power to warm my heart in the worst of days... sometimes I would unceremoniously flop down on the sofa lying my head on her knees, because it felt good, I was a part of her, just like she will always be a part of me... I would stay there long minutes, just talking, or laughing, or singing while she skimmed her fingers through my hair... love radiating from every small gesture of her... she was a shelter, my best yet...

I can recall her eyes, the brown, the glint of happiness that flickered through them when she was particularly proud of something I had done... it made achieving something all the more worthy... because she cared, and rejoiced, and because she was proud of me so was I... I still see her hands on my own, the long fingers, bony joints, even the unkempt nails I used to criticize so vehemently...

but then, that is about as much as I can remember clearly... the rest, the things that really matter are starting to get foggy... her voice, her laugh, her scent, the little things that added up to make her that much special... I hate my memory for that, and the time that flows by too fast, washing away with it a part of my heart... I don't want her to become a faded painting, one that deteriorates all the more under the spell of years passing... so today I cried myself awake because in that dream all the things my mind refuses to remember faithfully were there, pristine, crystal clear, and I had to let it go... I'm feeling blue because I'd like to make it stop, to have a way to do so... I want to keep her with me, for as long as I can, for as long as forever...

although this is how I'm feeling today, I know that in the end it affects me but it is not the essential... I will always remember her teaching, hear her advice when I most need it... I feel her encouragement when doing something she would approve of, and her censure otherwise... I can see all too clearly how she would treat the granddaughter she never got to hold in her arms... I can still feel her love, whole, enveloping, eternal... and by the end of the day I know that is what really matters...