Monday, June 02, 2014

.:about maternity and such:.

I decided to take a moment to write about mothers a bit, some thoughts, even if they come out of order or sense, even if it is difficult to linger on thoughts about it... let's get on with this and exorcise some ghosts...

I've always known what I most wanted to do with my life: educate others... I would look up to my mother, always patient, always so centered, sometimes with harsh words but those would come along with a warm smile, and the assurance that everything would turn out fine... She acted like she wasn't doing anything at all, but she was doing the best thing she could, not for her, but for all the other people around her... she encouraged whoever she met to be a better person, to think before making harsh decisions, to stop a little before condemning and try to see things through the other person's eyes... she had a gift, always have... and sometimes I would look at her and think "wow, if only I could be half this amazing"...

a daughter's view of a mum... then I grew up and we balanced each other, she was the all encompassing, the forgiving one... I was the analytical, over critical bugger... she used to see the best in people, I used to see the worst they could do to her... I started to get over-protective... not rarely I would engage in discussions with family members, just for the sake of giving this precious person some peace of mind...

then life changed, we got divided... she was ecstatic, always wanting the best for everybody, it wouldn't be different with her daughter... when we were apart I got stronger with time, she got more fragile... too good to linger much...

she had marked deep somehow... when I was young I knew I wanted to have children, just not on a regular family... I used to daydream about adopting five children from different nationalities, I didn't want to get married, never have... I considered myself too much of a difficult person to be inflicted on others (yep, still think that, but I can make it up to my husband, thank you very much... ) then I started to understand how the adoption system worked... uhum... not very promising... so I switched for the next best thing: teaching! At about twelve I was positive I wanted to be a teacher, it was only a matter of what to teach...

the thing is addicting, though... teaching, I mean... you get sucked into the never ending spiral of exchange and learning and teaching and interacting and you never seem to have the will or the strength to give it up... or, if you are a perfectionist like I used to be, find time to dedicate yourself to anything much other than teaching... and I got trapped in this limbo for long enough... until I woke up... I was twenty something, had gotten as far up as my current age would allow me to go at work, had a fair number of certificates, a good salary (nothing to cry about) and then?... was this what I really wanted from my life? that is when I remembered, and decided to do differently, to live differently...

Time passed by and I still wanted children, but surprisingly enough there was somebody else along for the adventure... someone who also wanted to adopt, and so we looked and fell... the process was long enough (and that would be ok because I would have time to adjust to the idea and prepare myself), and the amount of money and energy to be spent were smashing... were we really willing to throw away a whole lot of money that could be used to raise a child just to "buy" one? the answer was no... and we suffered for the child that wouldn't get adopted, but it was not the right approach for us...

Finally it was only a matter of logistics, when is the best time? and for me there wouldn't be a right time... how could I live up to being a good mother? how would I be that person who had everything together? I wouldn't, I most certainly was the best example of what not to expect from a mother (that is what I used to think)... And wait we did... until I had a most forceable push... a wake up call, I'd say... It hit home, told me life doesn't wait... and I wasn't getting any younger, neither was my husband... so try we did...

tomorrow it will be three years since we found out she was on our way... let's just say that taking the pregnancy test exactly before going out on a tour around the canteens in northern italy wasn't my smartest choice ever, but we had fun celebrating anyway...

yesterday we went to the beach to celebrate my birthday, and I most certainly was reminiscing about that day not long ago that has changed our lives for ever... so don't get alarmed if I tell you that for my birthday the news of her coming were a great part of why I was toasting... a toast to changes, to growth, to life! may its cycle keep going on... always...

ps.: if you are perceptive enough to notice a change in the mood of the post thumbs up for you... it started out as a shout out, got stuck in the publishing line for almost a month and then I decided to wrap it up and hit the publishing button... ;)






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